Thursday, March 20, 2014

One Hundred Seventy-Seven Days

Almost SIX months....One hundred seventy-seven days...

That is exactly how long we have been on our "active" list awaiting God's perfectly selected addition to our family.  In the grand scheme of things six months is no time, but when you are waiting on your first born it's a lifetime.  

For those of you who may not know our story, Jeff and I are in the process of adopting our first child.  Oh how I have longed for a baby.  My body has literally ached for a child for years.  Tears well now as I think of the longing, the yearning of my heart for my first child.  

From about age 13 I knew Abbie.  In my dreams and my fairy tale life I was going to be married at 25 and have "Abbie" at 27 and then her brother soon after.  What a naive, blissfully innocent life I had laid out for myself.

Well, 25 came and went.  27 flew by even faster...  No husband and definitely no Abbie.  I watched friends marry and babies come.  Babies turned into toddlers and grew into playful children.  I prayed hard and often.  I wondered when it would happen for ME.  I was so happy for my friends and could not have been more in love with their children, but I was ready to meet Abbie face to face!

FINALLY, 33 came and I was married.  What a gift!  I was married to God's perfect match for me.  He shared my dream for children.  We absolutely could not wait to start our family.  We were married in November and by March I was hoping for a surprise baby.  Alas, that was not to be. 

After a long medical road we were informed by my doctors it would be best if I never attempted to carry a child.  It was so devastating to hear this news.  I managed to make it out of the doctors office tear free.  How I will never know.  I was in shock.  I think I sat in the floor of my bedroom that afternoon and cried huge heavy tears for 3 hours straight.  I could not bring myself to speak about our news.  I told no one.  I was heartbroken and ashamed.  I felt broken, useless as a woman.  Most of all I felt as though Abbie had died.  I grieved and I grieved hard.  I never dreamed something could hurt so badly.  I leaned on Jeff alone.  I was far too ashamed to tell anyone of our news.  It was a couple of months before I could bring myself to explain we would not be having babies as we had so excitedly planned.

But what a redeeming wonderful God we have!!!  Every tear I cried He held in His hand.  He was there for every sleepless night.  He was there holding me, listening to me, and whispering words of love in my ear every night as I begged to sleep.   

It was not long before I had a new song in my mouth!  Jeff and I both realized God had planted the seed in our hearts for adoption so long ago.  Jeff is adopted.  We knew it was part of God's good and perfect will for our lives.  

We had no idea where to start.  We prayed for God to show us His perfect way.  Of course He showed up in a HUGE way.  I know we never meet a single person on accident.  The Lord put the exact people in our lives we needed.  They have helped us and showed us the way.  God has led us every step and given us sweet, sweet friends in the process.

So yes, it has now been 177 days since our birthmother book began showing.  It's been a 177 day process of God holding us, teaching us, preparing us, settling us, and loving us.  We are still healing and Lord knows we are still learning.  We are learning what it means to love each other through good and bad.  Above all we are striving to always put God first in marriage and let Him lead.   

I have learned that God puts us in our places of discouragement for a reason.  It hurts and it is absolutely supposed to.  Feeling the discouragement is part of the process of working through the pain.  We just cannot lose sight of God!  If you find yourself in such a place, allow Him to walk with you through the hurt. He is molding us and shaping us.  We struggle and try to get out of the miry pit, but until He is done molding us we will stay right there.  

Friend, let him shape you and mold you!! Reckon it nothing but joy to suffer through the trials!  You will be such a better person for it.  Trust God, follow Him and maybe just maybe you will be a man or woman after God's own heart!! 

Let the morning bring me word of Your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in You.  Show me the way I should go, for to you You I lift up my soul.  Rescue me from my enemies, O Lord, for I hide myself in You.  Teach me to do Your will, for Your are my God; may Your good Spirit lead me on level ground (Psalm 143:8-10)  I hope this scripture is as much an inspiration for you as it has been for me!

1 comment:

  1. Amazing story. Girl, I wish I could just wrap my arms around you and squeeze you very tight. Stand on your faith, and believe God will deliver. He is an awesome God. I love you. Keep us posted. And give everyone our love. Especially your daddy, mom and dee dee... Miss you guys a lot.