At what point is a test so difficult you can no longer trust God?

Life is hard.  Choices, decisions, relationships, money....  Life is just plain hard.  Childhood allows most to experience pure innocence.  Slowly we grow and slowly our innocence fades.  Adulthood brings mortgages, marriages, careers, and responsibilities.  Similarly, as our experience with God grows His testing in our lives become harder.  God tell us no matter the trial to always trust him.

Recall our beloved story in Matthew.  When Jesus called out to Peter to leave the safety of his boat and walk across the water to Him.  Jesus was asking Peter to trust Him completely.  Peter immediately jumped from his place of comfort and willingly set out across the water.  He fixed his eyes on Jesus and began walking towards an outstretched hand.  What a dramatic scene to behold!  Peter trusted Jesus one hundred percent to keep him from sinking.  But then recall what happened.  Peter's eyes shifted from His Lord and he saw the danger around him.  The wind frightened him and he instantly lost his faith.  Immediately he began to sink and cry out to Jesus to save him!  "You of little faith." Jesus answered.  "Why do you doubt?"  Of course our loving master caught him and set him right.

Saying NO to Comparison: Letting go of the life I had pictured

Why do we compare ourselves to others?  When you hear good news about friends/colleagues, do you rejoice with them? Or do you quickly compare and maybe feel like you don't measure up?  

Comparison steals joy, so why do we find ourselves so often caught in a cycle of ugly competition?  I think everyone has a deep down desire to belong.  Especially women.  We want to know we are doing a good job with our husbands, friends, homes, children, and really our lives in general.  We look at others and use our peers as a measuring stick for our own lives.  It truly is a vicious cycle.

Facebook and in recent years Pinterest and Instagram have made it far too easy to gain a "perfect snapshot" into others lives.  These sites are a great way to keep up with family and friends and plan our fun events, but they rarely show the behind-the-scenes dirty details.

We see what others want us to see.  Perfect pictures.  Perfect marriages.  Perfect children.  Perfect homes.  Perfect parties.  Perfect. Perfect. Perfect.....  Let's get REAL.  There was only ONE perfect person in this world and He certainly wasn't on facebook.  We know others lives aren't perfect, so why are we comparing our lives to what only LOOKS perfect on a website??

Counting the hairs on my baby's head

Did you know God found my wedding dress for me?  He sure did.  Took me right to it!  It was one of my first "It's a God thing" moments!  To say I was excited would be putting it mildly.  I think I walked on clouds for about two weeks after I found THE dress.

I had been on ONE shopping expedition with my maid of honor.  That's all it took for me to know wedding dress shopping was NOT for me.  I am a size 16.  Every dress on the rack is a size 8 or smaller.  You do the math.  A watermelon is definitely not going to slip into a lemon.  It was a nightmare.  About all I could do was look at the dress and hold it up to me.  The ladies at the dress shop were nice enough, but all I wanted to do was escape the embarrassment. I came home and cried.  I already didn't want a big wedding to parade around in front of people and the thought of having to find THE dress for that parade was torture.

Should we meet our birth mother?

God put a million, million doors in the world For his love to walk through. One of those doors is you! 

I have had an awesome song playing in my head for two days now.  I LOVE this song.  I listen to our Christian  music radio station at work all day everyday.  It's encouraging.  It's uplifting and it helps get me through the "fun" days.  When this song comes on I do my little happy dance.  The song is Jason Gray's With Every Act of Love.  The lyrics say, "God put a million, million doors in the world for His love to walk through.  One of those doors is you!  If you haven't heard it yet there is a link at the bottom of my post!  I know you will LOVE it!!  

After a day or so of the lyrics playing over and over in my mind, I stopped to really think about them.  God really DID put a million doors on earth for His love to walk through.  He wants every single person on earth to feel His love.  I WANT to be one of those doors!  I started thinking.  How can I be a door for God to use?  

Latest Adoption Update

Today was the day to call.  It has officially been six months since our adoption profile book began showing.  I told myself when we started this process I would be patient.  I would try to "put it on the shelf" as the attorney called it.  The attorney's office told us we could call and check in at any time.  They keep track of how many times your dossier/profile book has shown, what dates, and which social worker in the state showed it.

I am a terrible "waiter".  I am so impatient it's not even funny.  I am a planner, a take charger, a DEFINITE type A go-getter.  If it's not happening, I'll make it happen.  However, as many of you know, adoptions certainly do not work like that.  It is all in God's hands.  Certainly He is in charge of it all and absolutely my lesson during this waiting period is patience.

So Today was the day.  I made a deal with myself the only time I would "take it off the shelf" and call the attorney's office would be at the 3, 6, 9, etc. month marks.  It was a way to keep myself in check and not pester the poor man to death with my excitement, i.e. "Now?", "ok now?", "well how about NOW??".

Why?

Adoption by nature is an emotional journey.  The waiting process alone traverses highs and lows. Some days are uplifting in the hopefulness.  Could today be the day we will get THE call?? There are the mini-successes of an approval that comes in or the completion of a homestudy step.

There is joy in making things for my future baby.  Imagining them using a new blankie or playing with a new toy can be heartwarming.  Wondering if they will like their new room we have created for them.....or will they grow up to be terrified of DUCKS because we have surrounded them with them??  It's all very touching and so much FUN!!

But then there are the hard days.  And I do mean HARD days.  Days that try me to my very soul.  I wonder why.  Why are there so very many people who can so easily have children?  They excitedly say, "We are going to get pregnant!".  And they do.  Just like that.  No effort, no pain, no medicine, no doctors telling them not to.  It just happens!  I am SO happy for them, but I wonder why it is so easy for them and so hard for others.

Paper Pregnant

We are six months paper pregnant!  Pregnant mothers typically have nine months to prepare.  Nine months to prepare for a new life to care for, a new member of the family to celebrate, and nine months of joyful planning for their new baby.  Adoptive moms are no different in the planning!  We just don't know exactly what time frame we have to work with.  There's paperwork, meetings, timelines, and approvals.  It can be exhausting.  But there is a lot of waiting and hoping too.  During that time we have tried to keep busy and have FUN getting ready for our baby to arrive.  Most parents say you will never be fully prepared for what parenthood holds.  We are trying! 

We moved into our new house last August.  About a week after we had moved to our new home our attorney's office called with a huge surprise.  While they had originally told us to plan for October to be added to the "active" list, things moved quickly and it was actually August when we were added.  We began slowly but surely preparing our hearts and our home for our sweet little gift from God.

One Hundred Seventy-Seven Days

Almost SIX months....One hundred seventy-seven days...

That is exactly how long we have been on our "active" list awaiting God's perfectly selected addition to our family.  In the grand scheme of things six months is no time, but when you are waiting on your first born it's a lifetime.  

For those of you who may not know our story, Jeff and I are in the process of adopting our first child.  Oh how I have longed for a baby.  My body has literally ached for a child for years.  Tears well now as I think of the longing, the yearning of my heart for my first child.  

From about age 13 I knew Abbie.  In my dreams and my fairy tale life I was going to be married at 25 and have "Abbie" at 27 and then her brother soon after.  What a naive, blissfully innocent life I had laid out for myself.

Well, 25 came and went.  27 flew by even faster...  No husband and definitely no Abbie.  I watched friends marry and babies come.  Babies turned into toddlers and grew into playful children.  I prayed hard and often.  I wondered when it would happen for ME.  I was so happy for my friends and could not have been more in love with their children, but I was ready to meet Abbie face to face!