Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Why haven't I been trusted with a child?

I did not think Mother's Day would have much of an effect on me.  I expected to do as we always do.  We spend time with our families and friends and celebrate moms!  It's always been a wonderful time.  I have adoption friends and friends who struggle with infertility.  I had heard them say Mother's Day is a hard day and were not looking forward to it for certain reasons.  They said it hurts.  They said they feel lonely and sad.  I understood for them, but not me...  I was certain I would be fine.

I had been asking myself in the days leading up to Sunday if Mother's Day would hurt this year.  Would I be sad?  Would it be anything but normal?  Would not being a mom hurt even more on Sunday?  I kept coming up with no.  You don't let stuff like that get to you.  It's not about you.  You will be fine.  Mother's Day is for moms.  You aren't a mom.  It's not even about you.  Just focus on the things you need to get done for others.  I was settled with that answer.  I was good with it.  I had no issue with Mother's Day.  I was good to go.  Until Mother's Day eve....


Saturday was a good day for us.  We had friends in town for the weekend.  We were excited to see them.  We were going to cookout with my parents that night and then head to Clemson on Sunday for Jeff's family.  Plans were set and I was happy!  Someone should have warned me to avoid Facebook at all costs.

Every other post was how wonderful it is to have babies.  How great it is to be a mom.  How thankful we are to be pregnant.  How awesome our moms are!  Look at how cute our handmade gifts are!  Look at our new baby pictures!  Count the fingers and toes with us....  Please, please don't get me wrong.  Each of those posts are valid.  I rejoiced with each one of them.  I love my family.  I love all the mamas I know!!  I cherish them and depend on them daily!  But for women who want motherhood with every ounce of their being yet it eludes them time and again, it's a hard pill to swallow.  It's a bit like rubbing salt in a partially healed, partially gaping wound.

Once again I was blissfully naive.  How innocent I was thinking Mother's Day couldn't possibly get to me.  Why would it be more than any other day?  I have healed so much since last year when we were told I should not carry a baby.  Most days are great.  I have prayed for contentment.  I have prayed to move on.  I have busied myself with countless projects for the adoption.  Honestly, most days I feel healed and blessed to be on the adoption journey.  I know I am in God's will and I pray daily for discernment to remain there.

But last Saturday hit me like a freight train.  It ripped open wounds I thought were healed.  It brought up self doubt and sadness I thought I had left months ago.  I was ill.  I was sad.  I was snippy and snarky.  I was just miserable in my own skin.  I wanted to get away from myself.  It took me most of the day to realize why I was so out of sorts.  I forced myself to look directly at the wound I try desperately to push down, cover up, and ignore on a daily basis.  It took me a full day to even give myself permission to uncover it again.

I found out I am pretty good at putting on the happy face.  I am great at keeping busy.  I don't stop.  I don't quit.  I keep pushing.  I pour my heart and soul into friends and family.  That's exactly what I did until Sunday night.  I just couldn't take the hurt anymore.  It started way down deep but by Sunday evening after all the Mother's Day activities it had risen to the tip top of my throat.  It had to come out.  I had to look directly at the wound that was left by being forced to remain childless at age 34.

Tears welled and they flowed all evening.  Big, huge heavy tears filled with anguish.  I hit my knees in our baby's room.  I cried out to God.  I asked him all the questions I have pushed back for months.  Why wasn't I trusted with a child?  How could this still be going on when I had been walking by faith for so long?  Where was our baby?  I told him it wasn't fair.  I told him I was so angry.  I told him how much it hurt.  I told him everything I could think of.  Trust me when I say it wasn't pretty.

But the whole time I heard him speaking Scripture back to me.  I heard Him tell me of his love.  I heard Him say he was the father to the fatherless.  I heard him say trust in Him alone.  I heard Him remind me of all the times he had affirmed our walk with him before.  With each tear that fell, I could not get the image out of my mind of Jesus kneeling in the floor with me in front of our baby's crib holding each teardrop that fell in His soft hand.  I know He was right there with me listening to my petitions.

Soon my sobs turned to prayers.  I was reminded of His will for my life and how much He had already changed me for the better.  I began to pray for our child and his mother again.  I began to pray for peace.  I asked him to cover our nursery in Scripture and truth.  I thanked him for making me broken.  I thanked him for the loneliness.  I thanked him for the partially healed, partially gaping wound I carry with me daily.  I thanked him for the times like this.  I thanked Him for holding me.

I know He has a plan.  I know it's in His time.  I know I have grown.  I know I am blessed.  I know I am a child after God's heart.  I know I long for people to see Jesus through me.  I know He is doing a GREAT work in me.  Who I am to rush it?  Who am I to question His ways?  I will continue to walk out on uncharted waters.  I am a daughter of the King.  I will RUN towards Him and cling to His feet daily.

Friend, no matter your struggle.  No matter how much it hurts please remember we serve a merciful God.  We serve a Father who will cry with us, who hurts with us.  We serve a mighty God who loves us so much He will get down on his knees with us and hold every single tear we cry in his hands.  He will never stop loving you.  And he does have a plan for you.  A plan to prosper you and never to harm you.  His mercies are new every morning.  It will get better.  Just let Him hold you.

3 comments:

  1. Oh, Allison, tear are running down my face...I feel your intense struggles and anguish...you needed to do exactly what you did (1 Peter 5:7)...get on your knees before our Lord and give all the anger, resentments, and hurts so He can then fill you with His supernatural Peace. Blessings to you and Jeff as you take one step at a time...and Be Still and Know That He is God...lots of love and hugs to you both, Aunt Jo

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  2. Oh, Allison, tear are running down my face...I feel your intense struggles and anguish...you needed to do exactly what you did (1 Peter 5:7)...get on your knees before our Lord and give all the anger, resentments, and hurts so He can then fill you with His supernatural Peace. Blessings to you and Jeff as you take one step at a time...and Be Still and Know That He is God...lots of love and hugs to you both, Aunt Jo

    ReplyDelete
  3. I'm so sorry that Mother's Day was so painful for you and Facebook was the instigator. So thankful you found Jesus in the midst of it all.

    I don't know if you've heard of Hannah's Prayer but I'd invite you to join us there. We have forums for women all over the infertility/loss/adoption spectrum. www.hannahsprayer.org

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